Say What You Mean

There, I said it 😅 That took about 2 seconds to type and takes less time to say, but do you have any idea how long it took me to give myself permission to say it? For decades, I did what most people do for their birthday and everyone else’s.

I smiled politely as the lights were dimmed and a candle lit cake was brought front and center while everyone attempted to sing happy birthday in tune 😂 Someone would ask “who wants cake and who wants ice cream.” If it was my birthday, I would be honored with the first piece. “Small please,” I would say.

The truth was that I did not like cake, and I still do not. Instead of saying how I really felt, I minimized the damage by asking for only a “small” piece.

Until one year – in my 30s, I said “nah, not doing that anymore.”

My mother was still with us then, and I did not know it then, but it would be the last year she would be able to plan a family birthday gathering for anyone. She was a proud Italian and Sicilian baker and a cook. The way to your heart and everyone else’s was through her kitchen, wherever it was. She made cakes for my siblings and me every time someone had a birthday. She loved doing it, and it was part of her gift to us. When my birthday was approaching, she asked me what I would like, and that’s when I decided. It was time to let the “cat out of the bag.”

“Can we do something crazy and have something different?”

Blank stare. You have come this far, Rach. I thought to myself, Keep going.

“I really don’t like cake.” And there it was. Hanging out there like a chicken that has just been plucked clean of its feathers. (Insert dramatic music)

After a few seconds, she snapped out of the awkward silence and asked if I would like pie instead. I answered with an enthusiastic yes! That year, she made my favorite thing. Coconut custard pie. (Strange fact: I have not had it or liked it since then.)

She still made a cake for everyone else, but she also made my favorite pie. I turned 51 last Friday. I did not celebrate with cake, nor did I have a special gathering. I opted out of both. ” I chose to stagger quality time where and when I can get it with loved one, and some I will not see at all, except over FaceTime, because of the miles between us.

Why do you care if I like cakes or gatherings? You probably do not, and that is okay.😄

Here is my real point: If there is one thing that seems to ring true for many, including myself, it is that we often do not give ourselves permission to say what we think or feel.

Of course, something as simple as celebrating my birthday with cake is not enough to cause resentment. It never once came up during therapy! 😅

If I was in my thirties before I spoke my truth about cake you can probably imagine how many bigger things I held back saying for decades!

May I ask you a question? What is your “cake?” What are you not saying that you need to say? Take it from a cancer survivor and thyroid-less human: Emotional suppression is a recipe for resentment, unnecessary tension, and health issues. Give yourself permission to say what you must to be heard. This may be difficult at first. It was for me, and I can tell you, the cake thing was (you guessed it) a piece ‘of cake compared to other things I have had to say throughout my life! It may feel selfish or mean if you have a long history of “putting everyone else first” as I do. You will inevitably ruffle some feathers. Some apples roll off the cart. (I love me a buffet of metaphors 😂)

The truth is: You do not have to be mean when you say whatever needs to be said, and self-expression is not selfish. It is honest.

It all starts with you allowing yourself to notice and verbalize what is true for you. The more you do it, the easier it becomes.

If you are a journaler, take a look at your entries where you see a common thread of hurt, disappointment, anger, anything that tells you where you may be keeping yourself stuck in a situation because of fear to express yourself. Decide what is the best way forward and commit to taking it. Share with someone you trust to be understanding but also will hold you to it the commitment you make to yourself to say whatever needs to be said.

I hope your week is a piece o’ cake (that is, if you like cake) :)